I came across this today via https://www.facebook.com/statuses247 , and it kind of made me think about how I hold onto things that I should let go of. I know I do it, and just cant help myself. I can remember conversation going back years, which havent gone quite right. It's a dangerous place to have you mind as it makes you scared of situations that are similar, because you remember what went wrong before.
I came across this today via https://www.facebook.com/statuses247 , and it kind of made me think about how I hold onto things that I should let go of. I know I do it, and just cant help myself. I can remember conversation going back years, which havent gone quite right. It's a dangerous place to have you mind as it makes you scared of situations that are similar, because you remember what went wrong before.
I’ve suffered from Migraines for as long as I can remember. It must be hereditary as my granddad suffered from them, and Matthew (eldest son) has started taking them. They’re painful and dibiliating. Attacks can last anywhere from 4 to 48 hours, and the pain goes on unrelieved. Invariably I’ll start to feel sick, and will always vomit not long after I start feeling sick. That’s when I know its a migraine. Other tell tales for me are sensitivity to light and feeling sleepy to the point of falling asleep where I stand.
Yesterday and today was the first migraine I’ve had in a long time though. Can’t believe that healthier eating and more excercise aren’t having just a impact on my physical fitness. But it came as a surprise as things haven’t been too stressful lately – with the exception of Matthew’s DLA claim review. We were out in the sun most of Sunday though, so maybe I hadn’t taken on enough fluids, which might have done it. Yesterday started ok. I did have a sicky headache when I got up, but it wasn’t too bad, and I took some paracetemol before I left the house. By the time I got to work, I wasn’t feeling too bad, thanks to my 2 mile walk from the bus stop to work. I was out of the office with a colleague at one of our primary schools, and then one of our secondary schools. I started feeling it at our first stop. By the time we reached the secondary school, it was really coming on, and I was starting to feel sick. Fortunately, home is between the secondary school we were at, and the office. My boss said it would be no problem to work from home, so that was the plan.
I managed some lunch – and ice cream! – which was maybe a mixed blessing. Within 10 minutes of eating, I lost the lot being sick. I felt so tired that the only thing that would suffice was a lie down and some sleep. This attack was relatively mild, but prolonged. I spoke to my boss to say I’d take the afternoon off with a migraine and that I’d see how I felt the next morning. Don’t worry about it if you’re not up to it I was told. Sure enough, the next morning, the headache was still there, and I felt weary. I took my meds (naratriptan) and had a lie in. Eventually it did the trick, and taking the time today will mean that I’ll be able to get back to work tomorrow.
People that don’t suffer from mirgraines may think they’re just another headache, but they’re not. A whole day – or more – can be completely lost. Its impossible to carry out with day-to-day activities and generally the only thing that works are meds, lying down in a dark room, and sleep. Trying to nail down potential triggers is always a good idea, and generally I try to make sure I drink enough when its hot. I’ve stopped eating nuts quite as much as I did before. Chocolate as a trigger is apparently a myth though according to our GP, so that’s a relief! But, its passed now, and life resumes after a short break. Here’s hoping its the last migraine for a long time.
Today is the day we say thank you to the Dads of this world. I miss my Dad, he died in 1996, as a result of bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer. I miss him every day as he was a real character. He was the person everybody knew. You could go into a room of 100 people and instantly you knew where he was as his voice boomed above everyone else's.
Its Fathers Day again, and for most dads, it will be a lovely reminder what it is to be a dad. Sometimes though, being a dad is a little bit more challenging than you thought it might have been.
It wasn’t really in the plan that Matthew & Daniel would have special needs. No parent thinks that as pregnancy progresses. But when it became evident that things “weren’t quite right” with Matthew, we started to face the possibility that he may have Additional Special Needs. The diagnosis process was soon underway, and we had (or rather Matthew did) have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. Daniel soon followed, and was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome last year.
All the things I thought I’d be doing as a dad, well, they were largely out of the window. The boys aren’t “normal” or should I say neuro typical children. They have complex needs that require a lot of adjustment for me. I’ve learned that while it would be nice to have a cuddle with Matthew when he comes through in the morning, Matthew will only engage in physical contact on his terms, and will push you away otherwise. Initially, it was difficult to accept, but its not because he doesn’t love me, its more that he is uncomfortable with that kind of physical contact. I’m still learning that when he comes through in the night, and is screaming abuse at us, its not because he’s being horribly behaved. Its all down to his heightened level of anxiety and stress brought on by his “special brain.” His punching and kicking are automatic responses he can’t control, and I have to accept that.
Being dad to 2 boys on the autisim spectrum has meant I might not do a lot of the things dads of neuro typical boys might do. Most would expect that by 7 & 6 years old, they would be out playing with school friends after school and at the weekends. But both boys, although they have a VERY small circle of friends, they don’t really understand friendship and as a result are at home demanding (and they are demanding) attention non-stop. Being at home means they are craving attention. If I suggest they play with friends, they look at me as if I’m mad. Both boys compartmentalise their lives. Their classmates – they are seen at school. That is their place. Seeing them out of class is alien. Daniel will see his closest buddy in his class all day, play with him on the way home, but there will come a point where that part of the day – the transition from school to home – where that little person isn’t part of his world. And as soon as I get home, I am their world! That’s not being arrogant, its just how they see their world. Classmates are for school, home means dad.
In general, that means that when I am at home, I have to be with them all of the time. There’s none of the time where it might be expected that they amuse themselves, be it in front of the telly, on the Wii, playing with their toys. Any of those activities must be done with dad, if I am at home. Try and slip upstairs after teatime to catch Star Trek on the telly – within a minute or two, one or both of them will be up. Generally that will be the cue to get on the trampoline. Another activity where parents would expect they could leave their kids to play together. But for the boys, trampoline time means time with dad on the trampoline. They won’t go on otherwise. Its not that I really mind, as its great exercise, and it does present additional bonding time.
I had also hoped that when we had children, they would follow my passion that is Aberdeen Football Club. I’ve been a fan since the early 70s, and wouldn’t be without my season ticket. Daniel expressed an interest, but Matthew was a big no. The problem is the noise. Both boys have sensory issues, and loud noises confuse and scare them. Matthew just wouldn’t cope. Daniel has come with me a couple of times, and generally enjoyed it, although his constant movement means I need to keep a close eye on him. Still, they both love to please – its part of their ASDs I think that they try to do so. It has meant that Daniel has become a major fan of Star Wars. Like Matthew, he has an obsessive nature, and because he want’s excuses to be with me, he became obsessed with Star Wars (http://theworldofneil.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/an-aspergers-star-wars-obsession/) – which I love. Its part of their need to be at the heart of our attention. Its time I really enjoy with the boys. Daniel loves it, and Matthew more tolerates it just to be part of the experience.
Its all something I’ve had to get used to. That and the to-ing and fro-ing to the school (the review meetings, the advocating, the fire-fighting), the doctors, the hospital, their favourite parks they NEED to go to to prevent meltdowns. Its all part of it. Keeping an eye on the meltdown triggers is a huge part of being an autism dad. When they are in meltdown, its difficult to keep your cool, and that’s something I’m still trying to learn to do. At the point where I get angry with them is just the point where they are coming off their meltdown high, and getting angry with them just perpetuates the meltdown. That kind of ability to keep calm while they explode – it still eludes me, but its important that I continue to learn so I’m more able to help them. Its learning coping strategies that become the norm – so much so that I sometimes don’t realise I’m doing anything different from any other dad. I am of course. But then, that’s just part of being an autism dad!
So, Happy Fathers Day to all you dads out there. Particularly those of you dealing with your little (or not so little) ASD boys and girls. Its a labour of love all right.
There is no better way for children to understand the world around them than to spend time in the great outdoors. We have always encouraged our boys to be active in the garden. They enjoy nothing better than to be up to their ears in mud - D particularly!!! This season though we are encouraging them to be more thoughtful about what they are doing when they are pottering.
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